So my experiences in dating have been very few and limited, so please note that I am not speaking as an expert in this field. I am just sharing my own experiences and perspectives. And I know that they will probably change and morph as time progresses.
So about three months ago I started to become interested in a girl who I will call “Julia” for now (note this is not her real name). We began to get involved in similar worship teams and got the chance to hang out in groups a couple of times. And after about three weeks of getting to know her, I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer and had to ask her out. Some of my friends told me that I should wait before telling her my feelings, but I didn’t listen to them and just went for it. (note f0r men: even if your friends are right, sometimes you have to just go for it and do what you got to do). And after telling her that I would like to take her on a date, she expressed that she did like me back (Yes!), but that she didn’t want to date during this season of her life. But she gave me about a three month window after which time, she would consider if she would like to go out with me then.
So her answer was a maybe and I was ok with that. It was still hard because I had shared my feelings and felt like now that everything was out there, I had to slow down a little bit and wait. I felt like I was a dog on a leash who was running full speed and then finally got jerked back because the leash became taut. But a lot of my friends encouraged me to be patient and continue to be “Julia’s” friend. So we still hung out in groups and were able to be friends. At a couple different points we talked and I asked if she really needed to have that three month time of waiting. And each time she said that she really needed this time to deeper in God and have some space. So I respected her wishes and set onto the task of waiting.
And through these past couple of months, I have realized that my perspective on dating and relationships have changed. I feel like the Lord is renewing my mind from the selfish ways that I viewed dating. Initially I thought Julia was really pretty and wanted to go out on a date with her. A lot of the motivation was selfish and me-focused. However, as I have become Julia’s friend and continued to hear from God, my heart towards her has changed. I want to be a good friend to her. I want to grow in serving her and helping make her great.
I think about the Lord’s leadership over our lives and how he serves us daily and his leadership is really gentle. And he does everything in his power to make us great. And when I saw God as a servant, I realized that my whole view of dating was skewed. I saw dating as primarily as something that benefits me. But more and more I want to serve my friend Julia. And I realized that this perspective is not mine. This way of thinking can only come from the Lord. Because the way I think draws from the world, where relationships is about the gushy feelings, romance, and getting stuff for yourself. But the way of the kingdom is the way of servanthood, love and humility.
And even if Julia and I never date, we can still be friends and grow in servanthood. And if we end up dating and it not working out where we break up, I want us to still be good friends. I have seen too many breakups end where both parties are devastated and scarred. But I really want every person that I meet, to come away from our interaction and think “I saw more of Jesus through Han Man.” Therefore, I want my friendship with Julia to exude the fragrance of Christ’s love and humility. Even if we do date and end up breaking up, I want her to come away from the relationship and say I feel more edified and desire to draw nearer to the Lord.
I also realized that friendship is the common denominator in every stage of a relationship that leads to marriage. First, two people meet and start to get to know each other and develop a friendship. And this friendship continues at a deeper level when they decide to date. Then the engagement is also a friendship and when people get married, they ultimately end up living life with their best friend. Therefore, when I shifted my perspective from “I just want to go out with Julia” to “I want to be Julia’s friend,” my heart became more at ease and I wasn’t worried about what would happen in the future. So through this season I am grateful for the way that the Lord has been renewing my mind and freeing me from wrong patterns of thinking concerning dating and relationships.
